this little light of mine

its amazing to me how life unfolds. so often we try and map out our destinies, to find that we are merely just playing with life, but not in the control seat. i know for myself, i have always thought i would "become something"- i didnt know what this something was, but i strived every day for "it"-

i am in nyc- my home of many years. it was here in which my striving was in full force. looking back, i see that it was not the drive that was "wrong" but my attachment to "becoming something" that veared me away from life, not towards it.

being here has reminded me of the past in which we all have lived. the stories we have to share about where we were and where we are now. being here, and reconnecting with friends from that time in my life has also gifted me with remembering that my past has shaped me in to who i am today. too often we want to run from our past. too often we want to dwell in it. either or, the truth for me is WHAT i DO with my past. my stories. do i use them as a catalyst to evolve or to i cling, resist and hang on to them?

there are many things i created in this city. i performed on stage doing what i loved, and i also went in front of casting directors on a day to day basis and was rejected. i fell in love and got my heart broken. i sought perfection and ran from my own beauty. all at the same time. now, i am a business owner. i am a mother. and i teach play. i thought my past was gone. i thought that by simply moving to another state, that the slate was clean. but it wasnt. i am realizing now that these stories. these experiences led me to understand life more. without them, i would not have the empathy for those who are seeking "perfection" i would not have the compassion for those who have been rejected. i would not have the room to create, express and BE a mother that encourages living life, not running from it. as i met with old dear friends, who knew me in that time of my life, one thread remained. although i tried to hide it, my light shone, i just didnt see it. although i tried to run from it, those who love me, saw me. see me. and are with me still in this journey called play.

wherever you are, there you are. my past is not a thing to ignore or run from. for in that past, i gained....i gained wisdom, courage, self respect, self understanding and a belief that no matter WHAT- we can create a new story.

i am in deep gratitude for all the people i have in my life. the players that played their roles, "good and bad" - i am deeply humbled by the integration that can happen when we embrace ALL of who we are, and play with that.

i was and am passionate about life...the difference now is what i am striving for is peace. what i am striving for is play and joy to be the initiating factor in all i participate in. coming back has gifted me with moving forward.

to forgive. to learn and to step into the now....

too often we are taught to hide. we are taught that our stories ARE who we are. but they are not....they are a part of our life script...ones to be looked at with compassion. ones to be embraced with knowledge and ones to be celebrated as tools in shaping the very core of our selves.

i moved from nyc- but did not move from the one aspect that kept me going here:

my heart.